The dining hall of Macbeth's
castle. MACBETH sits alone at the dining table, dazed and confused. As
soon as the lights rise, DUNCAN, HUMPHREY and BANQUO dance out of the upstage
chamber door, singing.
DUNCAN, BANQUO & HUMPHREY
Uh-oh, Humph! We hadst best take
We have doneth her right,
We have ravaged her much,
We have taken her mind
Off of murder and such.
For now she can see-eth
Where frustration can leadeth;
A good Scottish boffing
May be all that she needeth.
(A shriek comes from the chamber.)
(He seizes Banquo's arm and hurries him to the exit door.)
Tomorrow night okay?
(LADY MACBETH appears at
the chamber doorway, her hair disheveled, her gown in shreds, a dagger
in her hand.)
We'd better do it at my place.
(as DUNCAN and BANQUO race through the door and HUMPHREY
hides under the table)
(heading for her husband)
And you just sit there! And let
your wife be ravaged by these savages!
One is a general and the other a
One is a sodomite and the other a
I know what sodomy is, but what on
earth is gamorry?
I only hope one of these days you
get gamorried---then you'll know!
(A great pounding at the door.)
Who can that be?
I suppose you want me to go and be
violated by an entire regiment!
(MACBETH opens the door.
OSWYN, GILES, AVERY, ROLAND and MAUDE enter. MAUDE still wears her bearís
Thane of Glamis, thane of Cawdor.
I am thane of Glamis, thane of Cawdor!
(pointing to beneath the table)
There sitteth Humphrey!
(LADY MACBETH screams. HUMPHREY
reluctantly rises. LADY MACBETH rushes at him, kicking and clawing. HE
tries to fend her off with one hand while he deals with his co-workers.)
Can you hide us?
Everyone. They're all after us! The
messages got screwed up.
Messengers! They're all messengers!
(SHE is still trying to attack
Humphrey as we hear in the distance the GROUP singing "Kill the Messenger!")
There they are!
Don't let them in!
(MAUDE mumbles something.)
"It" says pull up the drawbridge.
(MAUDE mumbles something else.)
"It" says "if this be-ith a castle
it must haveth a drawbridge."
"It" can only be one person!
(MAUDE removes her bear's head.)
'Tis I! And thou done doneth me wrong.
(LADY MACBETH marches to the door, opens it and calls out.)
Come along! They're in here!
(Sounds of "Kill the Messenger!"
grow louder. HUMPHREY tries to grab the door handle from her, but she knees
him in the groin. HE doubles up in pain.)
We have no weapons.
Surely the Macbeths have weapons.
There are daggers all over the place.
Just try to find them!
Hast thou no molten lead?
She thinks you can go up in one of
the turrets with a cauldron and pour it over their heads.
Will someone put her head back on?
Straight this time.
(suddenly glancing at the table)
To the kitchen!
What good is cutlery gonna do against
daggers and swords?
(HUMPHREY leads OSWYN, AVERY,
ROLAND. GILES and MAUDE upstage left. THEY exit. LADY MACBETH goes to her
And you! You just sit there!
I've got enough on me plate.
Enough on your plate!? You're gonna
find your head on your plate!
(rushing back to the door)
("Kill the Messenger!" is
growing in volume. HUMPHREY, OSWYN, AVERY, GILES, ROLAND and MAUDE re-enter
the room, each armed with a mutton leg.)
But how does one useth this?
(HE takes his mutton leg
and hits Lady Macbeth over the head. She collapses in a heap. At that moment,
ANTONY, ALBANY, GONERIL, ANTIGONUS, LAERTES and CLAUDIUS march through
the doorway, singing.)
ANTONY, ALBANY, GONERIL,
ANTIGONUS, LAERTES, CLAUDIUS
Kill the messenger!
Though he may scrape and bow!
(MARK ANTONY goes for Giles
with his sword. GILES uses his mutton leg as a saber. While they duel,
ALBANY and GONERIL head for Oswyn. ALBANY has his dagger drawn while GONERIL
attempts to scratch his eyes out, but OSWYN tries to fend them off with
his mutton leg. ROLAND, seeing Oswyn alone, steps in with his mutton leg.
ANTIGONUS attempts to strangle Avery, while AVERY tries to clobber him
with another mutton leg. Finally, LAERTES and CLAUDIUS head for Maude,
who replaces her bear's head and swings her leg of mutton wildly. HUMPHREY
rushes to her aid. There is complete madness on stage. Music of "Kill the
Kill the messenger!
And we've got to kill him now!
We have got to kill him now!