Scene Six



 
 

The dining hall of Macbeth's castle. MACBETH sits alone at the dining table, dazed and confused. As soon as the lights rise, DUNCAN, HUMPHREY and BANQUO dance out of the upstage chamber door, singing.
 
 
DUNCAN, BANQUO & HUMPHREY
We have doneth her right,
We have ravaged her much,
We have taken her mind
Off of murder and such.

For now she can see-eth
Where frustration can leadeth;
A good Scottish boffing
May be all that she needeth.

                      (A shriek comes from the chamber.)

DUNCAN
Uh-oh, Humph! We hadst best take our leave.

                                                             (He seizes Banquo's arm and hurries him to the exit door.)

HUMPHREY

Tomorrow night okay? (LADY MACBETH appears at the chamber doorway, her hair disheveled, her gown in shreds, a dagger in her hand.)
DUNCAN
We'd better do it at my place.

LADY MACBETH

                                                          (as DUNCAN and BANQUO race through the door and HUMPHREY
                                                          hides under the table)
Rapists! Sodomites!
                                                           (heading for her husband)
And you just sit there! And let your wife be ravaged by these savages!

MACBETH

One is a general and the other a king.

LADY MACBETH

One is a sodomite and the other a gamorrahian.

MACBETH

I know what sodomy is, but what on earth is gamorry?

LADY MACBETH

I only hope one of these days you get gamorried---then you'll know!

                                                          (A great pounding at the door.)

MACBETH

Who can that be?

LADY MACBETH

I suppose you want me to go and be violated by an entire regiment! (MACBETH opens the door. OSWYN, GILES, AVERY, ROLAND and MAUDE enter. MAUDE still wears her bearís head.)
OSWYN
Where's Humphrey?

MACBETH

Humphrey who?

ROLAND

Thane of Glamis, thane of Cawdor.

MACBETH

I am thane of Glamis, thane of Cawdor!

MAUDE

                                                             (pointing to beneath the table)
There sitteth Humphrey! (LADY MACBETH screams. HUMPHREY reluctantly rises. LADY MACBETH rushes at him, kicking and clawing. HE tries to fend her off with one hand while he deals with his co-workers.)
AVERY
Can you hide us?

HUMPHREY

From who?

GILES

Everyone. They're all after us! The messages got screwed up.

LADY MACBETH

Messengers! They're all messengers! (SHE is still trying to attack Humphrey as we hear in the distance the GROUP singing "Kill the Messenger!")
ROLAND
There they are!

AVERY

Don't let them in!

                                                            (MAUDE mumbles something.)

HUMPHREY

What did---it---say?

OSWYN

"It" says pull up the drawbridge.

HUMPHREY

What drawbridge?

                                                             (MAUDE mumbles something else.)

OSWYN

"It" says "if this be-ith a castle it must haveth a drawbridge."

HUMPHREY

"It" can only be one person!

                                                             (MAUDE removes her bear's head.)

MAUDE

'Tis I! And thou done doneth me wrong.

                                                           (LADY MACBETH marches to the door, opens it and calls out.)

LADY MACBETH

Come along! They're in here! (Sounds of "Kill the Messenger!" grow louder. HUMPHREY tries to grab the door handle from her, but she knees him in the groin. HE doubles up in pain.)
OSWYN
We have no weapons.

GILES

Surely the Macbeths have weapons.

HUMPHREY

There are daggers all over the place.

LADY MACBETH

Just try to find them!

MAUDE

Hast thou no molten lead?

HUMPHREY

Molten lead?!

AVERY

She thinks you can go up in one of the turrets with a cauldron and pour it over their heads.

HUMPHREY

Will someone put her head back on? Straight this time.
                                                        (suddenly glancing at the table)
To the kitchen!

ROLAND

What good is cutlery gonna do against daggers and swords?

HUMPHREY

You'll see. (HUMPHREY leads OSWYN, AVERY, ROLAND. GILES and MAUDE upstage left. THEY exit. LADY MACBETH goes to her husband.)
 
LADY MACBETH
And you! You just sit there!

MACBETH

I've got enough on me plate.

LADY MACBETH

Enough on your plate!? You're gonna find your head on your plate!
                                                            (rushing back to the door)
In here! ("Kill the Messenger!" is growing in volume. HUMPHREY, OSWYN, AVERY, GILES, ROLAND and MAUDE re-enter the room, each armed with a mutton leg.)
 
MAUDE
But how does one useth this?

HUMPHREY

Like this. (HE takes his mutton leg and hits Lady Macbeth over the head. She collapses in a heap. At that moment, ANTONY, ALBANY, GONERIL, ANTIGONUS, LAERTES and CLAUDIUS march through the doorway, singing.)
 
ANTONY, ALBANY, GONERIL, ANTIGONUS, LAERTES, CLAUDIUS
Kill!
Kill!
Kill the messenger!
Though he may scrape and bow!

Kill!
Kill!
Kill the messenger!
And we've got to kill him now!
We have got to kill him now!

(MARK ANTONY goes for Giles with his sword. GILES uses his mutton leg as a saber. While they duel, ALBANY and GONERIL head for Oswyn. ALBANY has his dagger drawn while GONERIL attempts to scratch his eyes out, but OSWYN tries to fend them off with his mutton leg. ROLAND, seeing Oswyn alone, steps in with his mutton leg. ANTIGONUS attempts to strangle Avery, while AVERY tries to clobber him with another mutton leg. Finally, LAERTES and CLAUDIUS head for Maude, who replaces her bear's head and swings her leg of mutton wildly. HUMPHREY rushes to her aid. There is complete madness on stage. Music of "Kill the Messenger!" swells.)
 
 
 
 
LIGHTS DIM