ACT TWO
 

Scene One


Another part of the forest. Upstage right is a wooden pole with five wooden sign posts pointing in different directions. We see ELSINORE, BOHEMIA, VENICE, ALEXANDRIA and CAMBRIA painted on the individual rectangles of wood. OSWYN, AVERY, GILES, ROLAND and MAUDE enter from the left. MAUDE is in the bear outfit and lagging behind the others. The MEN are just a little drunk. OSWYN holds a flask which he drinks from, then hands it to Avery, AVERY hands it to Giles, GILES hands it to Roland, then ROLAND starts to hand it to Maude, but seeing she is wearing the bear's head, thinks better of it, takes a swig and hands it back to Oswyn.
OSWYN
                                                                     (glancing up at the road signs)
Well, here is where we part. I'm off to Venice.

AVERY

                                                                     (checking his scroll)
And I'm to Alexandria.

MAUDE

I do not even knoweth where I'm off to.
                                                                    (removing the bear's head and checking her scroll)
I hateth this. I should never have agreeth to this. I wish I had been borneth rich instead of furry.

ROLAND

Will you stop complaining! You've done nothing but complain since we left the cottage.

MAUDE

                                        I don't wanteth to be a bear.
                                        It maketh me sweat and it ruineth my hair.
                                        Obviously I am in utter despair,
                                        But not one of you tosspots seemeth to care.

ROLAND

Whoever said life was easy?
It's something even clergymen would never infer.
God only knows what I'm coming down with,
While all you're coming down with is fur.


AVERY

Whoever said life was easy?
That's why we cross ourselves and keep on knocking on wood.
God only knows what lies in the future---
But you can bet your sweet ass it ain't good.


OSWYN

And it ain't any better at the top
Though we imagine their troubles are few---


GILES

If you think that's erroneous,
Take a look at Polonius
And all those nobles we bring messages to.


ROLAND, GILES, OSWYN & AVERY

Whoever said life is easy?
Whoever said life is fair?
Whoever said life is easy?
So just shut up and act like a bear!

Be a bear, be a bear to the core!
Don't ask for anything more---
Be a bear right down to your paw---
Be the best goddamned bear anyone ever saw!

(The FOUR MEN do a dance around her. THEY put the bear's head back in place. MAUDE reluctantly joins them. Then the dance becomes crazier and crazier, and MAUDE really gets into the swing of it. The dance reaches a crescendo, and EACH begins to go off in a different direction. Then ROLAND stops and begins to hyperventilate.)
GILES
What's the matter?

ROLAND

Asthma. Bad.

OSWYN

Not something else wrong with him?

ROLAND

My allergy. It's that wench's fur. You go ahead. I'll be along in a bit.

AVERY

Beware the fur of wenches. It'll do it every time. (The OTHERS exit in their individual directions. ROLAND collapses on the ground, gasping for breath.)
 
 
LIGHTS DIM