Scene Three


During the Blackout a spot falls downstage right and we see BENEDICT race across stage. Then the spot swings back and LADY MACBETH and MACBETH rush after him. When the lights come up, we are in another part of the forest. THREE WITCHES stand stage center in front of three boiling cauldrons which THEY are stirring. After a moment, THEY regard the audience, leave their cauldrons and begin to sing.
THREE WITCHES
You may not remember what the plot's about
Or the depth of the doom and gloom,
You may retain a certain nagging doubt
Of who did what to whom.
You may even forget it all,
But the one thing that you'll recall
Is

Double, double,
Toil and trouble,
Fires burn
And cauldrons bubble---
And we are irrepressible.

Double, double,
Toil and trouble,
Fires burn
And cauldrons bubble---
It's the phrase that's most accessible.

We love a tale that is full of gore
Where witches use their magic power,
But we must confess that we loved it more
When it was done by Kurosawa.

Double, double,
Toil and trouble,
Fires burn
And cauldrons bubble---
And we'll say it to the death:
If it wasn't for us
Who would have heard
Of someone called Macbeth?

(THEY go into a jazzy little dance. When it is finished, BENEDICT rushes on fleeing from his pursuers. THREE WITCHES block his path.)
FIRST WITCH
All hail, Benedict, hail to thee, thane of Glamis!

SECOND WITCH

All hail, Benedict, hail to thee, thane of Cawdor!

THIRD WITCH

All hail, Benedict, hail to thee, thou shalt be king hereafter!

BENEDICT

I don't want to be thane of anything! I don't want to be king! Now please let me pass.

FIRST WITCH

                                        You don't want to be thane?

SECOND WITCH

                                        You don't want to be king?

THIRD WITCH

                                        Why I never did hear
                                        Of any such thing!
ALL THREE
Everyone wants control and power
No matter what the fuss;
If they didn't want control and power,
There wouldst be no need for us.
BENEDICT
All I want is a simple life,
No scepter and no castle ---
I want a life that is free of strife,
Ambition's such a hassle.

In the job I have, oh, what I've seen!
It's all treacherous and tricky---
If you could see what happens to Cymbeline
And kings named John and Hank and Dickie.

All I want is a simple life---
A simple life is heaven!
A little house and a horny wife---
Well, maybe six or seven.

Please keep the dukes and the thanes out,
As long as I'm fucking my brains out,
For all I want is a simple, simple life.

(At the very end of the song, LADY MACBETH and MACBETH enter from stage right somewhat breathless. LADY MACBETH points angrily at Benedict, but MACBETH restrains her during the following exchange.)
FIRST WITCH
We hast ne'er heard such nonsense before.

SECOND WITCH

You speak thus because thou hast never had the teeniest-weeniest success.

THIRD WITCH

Tis amazing what success can do.

BENEDICT

I tell you, no!

THIRD WITCH

Let us try once again…

FIRST WITCH

Glamis!

SECOND WITCH

Cawdor!

THIRD WITCH

All of Scotland!!

BENEDICT

No, no, a thousand times no!

                                                            (HE begins to hurry off.)

FIRST WITCH

Just to sweeten the cauldron…

SECOND WITCH

What if we throw in a nymphomaniac?

                                                            (BENEDICT hesitates, turns.)

THIRD WITCH

 The most beautiful insatiable one thou hast ever beheld! (BENEDICT swallows hard, is about to speak when he spies LADY MACBETH, turns in fear and dashes off. LADY MACBETH seizes her husband's arm and tries to pull him away.)
LADY MACBETH
But we are letting him escape! (MACBETH approaches the WITCHES as his wife tugs at his bicep.)
MACBETH
Didst I hear you offer that---that boy---all that is rightfully mine? I mean, that is, after a few murders.

FIRST WITCH

Well, thou art getting a bit long in the tooth…

SECOND WITCH

And round in the belly…

THIRD WITCH

And bald in the noggin.

FIRST WITCH

Tis not like it was when thee started out…

SECOND WITCH

When people doth had better concentration…

THIRD WITCH

And couldst stay with a middle-aged protagonist.

FIRST WITCH

As for that hag thou art with…

SECOND WITCH

Isn't she ugly?

MACBETH

Well, I never!

LADY MACBETH

Are you going to let those three monsters speak to me thus!

FIRST WITCH

                                                               (to Macbeth)
Stop huffing and puffing and harumphing.

MACBETH

Tis not kind to speak thus.

LADY MACBETH

                                                              (to the Witches)
A pox on you! And all three of your cauldrons!
                                                             (to Macbeth)
Will you come along?!

(MACBETH is allowing himself to be pulled toward stage left but is still turned toward the Witches.)
SECOND WITCH
All right. We shalt give thee one more chance.

THIRD WITCH

But just remember…

ALL THREE

(following after him a few steps, stopping near the exit and shouting at the top of their lungs) SHAPE UP OR SHIP OUT!!!

LADY MACBETH

First the messenger, then Duncan, then those three! (At that moment, HUMPHREY enters stage right, the green scroll in his right hand. HE sees the backs of the Witches.)
HUMPHREY
Pardon. I am looking for a fellow dressed very much as I.

                                                           (WITCHES turn, approach him with delight.)

FIRST WITCH

All hail, Humphrey, hail to thee, thane of Glamis!

SECOND WITCH

All hail, Humphrey, hail to thee, thane of Cawdor!

THIRD WITCH

All hail Humphrey, hail to thee, thou shalt be king hereafter!

                                                           (Briefly he is confused then pleased.)

HUMPHREY

                                                           (straight to the audience, a huge smile on his face)
Well, can ya feature that?
 
 


LIGHTS DIM RAPIDLY