Scene Six

The banquet hall in Macbeth's castle. There is an arched door upstage left leading to a chamber. Downstage right is another arched door leading to the exterior of the castle. Downstage center is an enormous dining table at which HUMPHREY sits, his feet on the edge, munching a fat leg of mutton and drinking from a large tankard. He is obviously drunk. MACBETH bursts into the room from the entrance door, is appalled by what he sees.
 
MACBETH
Who art thou?

HUMPHREY

Who art thou?

MACBETH

Thane of Glamis, thane of Cawdor!

HUMPHREY

You're thane of Glamis! You're thane of Cawdor? I'm thane of Glamis! I'm thane of Cawdor!

MACBETH

Since when?

HUMPHREY

Some time this afternoon.

                                                               (Now LADY MACBETH bursts in.)

LADY MACBETH

What goes on here? What are you doing with my leg of mutton?

HUMPHREY

Having a midnight snacky, what do you think I'm doing?

MACBETH

This…this creature claims to be thane of Glamis, thane of Cawdor…

LADY MACBETH

On your feet, imposter!

HUMPHREY

No one says "on your feet" to the true thane of Glamis, the true thane of Cawdor. (SHE seizes the leg of mutton and tosses it aside, grabs Humphrey by the hair and forces him out of the chair.)
HUMPHREY
Give me my leg of mutton! Best leg of mutton I ever et. Best party I ever been to. Met two great guys name o' Duncan and Banquo.

LADY MACBETH

                                                            (to her husband)
You forgot to send the messenger to say the cook has dropsy! Nincompoop!

MACBETH

If we hadn't been sitting there for hours with those cockamamie scrolls…

HUMPHREY

Did we hit it off! That Banquo knows more filthy jokes than anyone I ever met. They're coming back for brunch tomorrow.

MACBETH

Brunch! Get thee from this castle! (LADY MACBETH is suddenly aware of Humphrey's impressive figure. A sting of music. A spot falls on her, then a second on Humphrey's rump.)
LADY MACBETH
                                                           (looking to heaven)
Unsex me!!
Unsex me!!
Make me chaste and pure and airy,
Turn me into the Virgin Mary---
Unsex me!!

Unsex me!!
Unsex me!!
Cause a uterine upheaval,
Sublimating it into evil---
Unsex me!!

Nothing stops a woman
Like screwing and giving birth---
She becomes so full of sweet entreaties---
It's enough to give you diabetes
And diabetes won't help you rule the earth!

Something wicked this way comes
When you salivate over gorgeous bums---
So Unsex me!!
Unsex me!!
Unsex me now!


                                                                 (Spots switch off. MACBETH draws his dagger.)

MACBETH

Out, I say! Out damned sot!

LADY MACBETH

Husband, wait!
                                                                  (drawing him aside)
This may in truth be a blessing in disguise.

MACBETH

What dost thou mean?

LADY MACBETH

This popinjay hath already made inroads. Evidently Duncan and Banquo trust him. Tomorrow for brunch, he says. What we were planning for tonight, we canst do then.

MACBETH

But it will be light outside!

LADY MACBETH

Of course it will be light! What dost thou expect? Darkness at noon?

MACBETH

Murders are all right at dinner. But brunch?!

LADY MACBETH

Murders are just as good with omelets as with mutton legs.

MACBETH

But what of later---after all hast been done?

                                                          (SHE makes a gesture as if cutting her throat)

MACBETH

Still and all…

LADY MACBETH

We must not be duped by vainglorious blindness
To let our mission be blown;
We are both too full of the milk of human kindness
To accomplish this alone.
You see, dear husband, the facts remain
That you're a thane and he's a thane

And
Two thanes can be better than one,
When it comes to heads they must sever;
Two thanes can get certain things done
Which could take one thane forever and ever.

Two thanes can be better than one---
Whatever the deed, it will quicken---
Two thanes can get certain things done
Just in case one thane turns suddenly chicken.

It takes thanes
With lots of brains
To know the hour is nigh
When a body
Kills a body
Coming thru the rye.

So plan together,
Work together
Till completion is complete---
For two thanes can be better than one
Whenever the thanes shall meet.


MACBETH

For two thanes can be better than one
Whenever the thanes shall meet.


HUMPHREY

For two thanes can be better than one
Whenever the thanes shall meet.
 
(ALL THREE go into a soft-shoe routine. When they finish, THEY happily face the audience and sing:)


ALL THREE

So plan together,
Work together
Till completion is complete---
For two thanes can be better than one
Whenever the thanes shall meet.
                                                  (LADY MACBETH grabs a handful of Humphrey's bum.)
 
 

LIGHTS DIM