Scene Two


The banquet hall in Macbeth's castle. The great table is laden with food and alcohol. We can see another large mutton leg. HUMPHREY, BANQUO and DUNCAN sit toward the right getting quietly plastered. MACBETH and LADY MACBETH sit toward the left, glum and silent. "Whoever Said Life Is Easy?" segues from the previous scene so that DUNCAN picks up the melody of the final section.
DUNCAN
Whoever said life is easy?
Even for kings it's a bitch;
You've got to always be cautious
Of what comes out of the mouth of a witch.

But you're a king, you're a king to the core
Going in or out of a door,
When you rule or wrestle or hump,
You're always a king even taking a dump.


DUNCAN, HUMPHREY & BANQUO

You're a king, you're a king to the core
Going in or out of a door,
When you rule or wrestle or hump,
You're always a king even taking a dump (They burst into raucous laughter. MACBETH and LADY MACBETH are not amused.)
LADY MACBETH
'Tis disgusting.

HUMPHREY

Know any more king jokes?

BANQUO

                                                           (with a glance at Macbeth)
How about those-who-want-to-be-king jokes?

LADY MACBETH

Didst thou hear what he sayeth?

HUMPHREY

That reminds me of a song I heard just the other day. This wench comes into the Messenger's Cottage…

LADY MACBETH

                                                            (to her husband)
Messenger's Cottage!

HUMPHREY

She wants us to deliver this message. And you know what she says?

DUNCAN

What, Humph?

HUMPHREY

You want to hear it?

BANQUO

Unequivocally!

LADY MACBETH

This so-called thane is a Messenger!

                                                          (HUMPHREY leaps onto the table.)

HUMPHREY

You ain't gonna believe this!
                                                         (imitating Maude)

                                        He hath doneth me wrong,
                                        He hath treateth me bad,
                                        He hath doneth me wrong,
                                        He hath been-eth a cad.

Perhaps up in heaven
They wilt see what he's doneth---
And how his belief is
To have fun-eth then run-eth.

Oh, my love he didst steal,
And my heart he didst filch;
He hath promised the moon,
He hath given me zilch.

And oh how I rueth
That I'd acquieseth,
I now plan to sueth
For all he possesseth.

How many times
Did he swear I'm the one?
And now he must pay
For what he doneth done done.
 

(DUNCAN and BANQUO double up with laughter. LADY MACBETH's face is set in a cold harsh fury.)
DUNCAN
By my troth, let us all try it.

HUMPHREY

Come along then. Come up here.

                                                          (HE helps them both to the table.)

DUNCAN

How goeth it?

HUMPHREY

He hath doneth me wrong,
He hath treateth me bad, (HE begins, and DUNCAN and BANQUO follow. ALL THREE sing and tap dance on the table.)
LADY MACBETH
They're gonna ruin the cutlery.

HUMPHREY, DUNCAN & BANQUO

He hath doneth me wrong,
He hath been-eth a cad.
Perhaps up in heaven
They wilt see what he's doneth---
And how his belief is
To have fun-eth then run-eth.

Oh, my love he didst steal,
And my heart he didst filch;
He hath promised the moon,
He hath given me zilch.

And oh how I rueth
That I'd acquieseth,
I now plan to sueth
For all he possesseth.

How many times
Did he swear I'm the one?
And now he must pay
For what he doneth done done.
 

(THEY keel over laughing, hugging each other, then falling to the floor.)
LADY MACBETH
We must get him to the chamber now! And the deed must be done.
                                                           (to Duncan)
Your majesty!
                                                            (But DUNCAN is too happy and too drunk to hear her.)
Your kingship…

MACBETH

Try King-ikins.

LADY MACBETH

Your majesty, thou canst ride home in that condition. Thou must abide here.

HUMPHREY

Aw, go eat a candle!

LADY MACBETH

You---you---messenger!
                                                         (to Macbeth)
And thou---thou just sits there!

MACBETH

He hath honored me of late, and I have bought golden opinions from all sorts of people.
Besides, he's rather a fun person.

LADY MACBETH

Coward! Screw your courage to the sticking place! (DUNCAN rises to his feet followed by HUMPHREY and BANQUO, still laughing.)
DUNCAN
He hath doneth me wrong…
Hey! I got a suggestion. Let's all done doeth Lady Macbeth. (SHE draws back in horror as DUNCAN, HUMPHREY and BANQUO, leering lecherously, creep toward Lady Macbeth.)
 
 
LIGHTS DIM QUICKLY